GOING OUT OF CONTROL...

Sorry for not staying in touch...

A lot of things has happened since my last post.  

Good news first...
~ Got a job working underground as a Poker Dealer
~ Got a job working at CNE casino @ Toronto
~ Ease the pressure on money issues.
~ Made some cool friends who are Brazil fans and enjoyed cheering with them during the World Cup.  Now I understand the reason of going to the bars and supporting with your country with such passion.  Sad part, it took me this long to figure it out.  I still blame my father for this.

Bad news...
~ Flunk the poker test @ CNE casino as I did not take the control of my own table.  Hurts my ego and confidence as to whether I can handle it.
~ Lost my wallet last Thursday and screwed up my plans on Friday as I had to scrambled to get replacement cards necessary for day to day.  More importantly missed my neat Obtainium wallet.  Am still struggling to figure out as to how I lost it as I am very careful on these stuff.  Haven't lost my wallet or critical cards since I was a teenager.  Am I going crazy, old and senile ?  Do I have control over my stuff anymore ?
~  More job rejects ... really hurts as you would think with my 18 years experience would count for something.  I guess being hearing impaired and having halitosis (bad breathe) turns a lot of employers off.
~ Still have not applied for disability support as I am not getting the support I need for my close friends and brother.  I guess they hate the idea of me getting "free money" from the government.
~ More date rejects...just getting the first date is getting harder and doesn't do me any good for my own soul...learning new jokes does not seem to help...I guess being nice guy do not help at all.

Last couple of days has been very emotional for me.  With constant date rejects, job rejects, and losing the wallet has wreaked my confidence and made me more mad at the world in general.  Got into a couple of "road rage" over the weekend.  Just could not control my feelings/emotions.  

So frustrating that I cry myself every night...That is why I drink, smoke, Netflix and sleep...just to escape reality and into my fantasyland.

I am thinking of getting cut Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest...it does not do me any good to see other people having fun and getting married and whatnot.

More likely it will be my last post.  Just do not see the point of continuing this anymore as only one friend helps me.  Yep not even my brother help me.

WORDS OF WISDOM

They always say time change things, but you actually have to change them yourself. - Andy Warhol

Too often we underestimate the power of touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn the life around. - Leo Buscaglla

Do not ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Howard Thurman

Relax and Enjoy

Mediate and Feel

Chant and Sing

Breathe and Smile

Laugh and Play

Create and Envision

Let go, Forgive and Accept

Exercise and Move

Serve and Contribute

Listen and Learn

Consider and Reflect

Cultivate Oneself

Be Content

Lighten Up

Celebrate and Appreciate

Dream

Give Thanks

Evolve 

Love

Share, Give and Receive

Walk Softly

Live Gently

Expand, Radiate, and Dissolve

Surrender and Trust

Simplify.

PROCRASTINATION

You know what you want to do. 

You certainly know what you need to be doing.  

You know it must be done.

But you’re off somewhere else.

Because procrastination has once again swept into your mind and actions.

And so you escape.

Onto Facebook; Onto Netflix; Onto Chess.com; Onto books; Onto Fantasyland.

Avoiding by doing what you are suppose to do.

But what can you do about it ?  How to avoid feeling this way ?  

TELL ME ... 

HARD TO HAVE FUN

These days it is so hard to hang out with friends ...

Cannot find friends to do daring stuff like hang gliding, parachute jumping, scuba diving etc.

     Since I do not have a job, those daring stuff are kaput and probably for good.

     I am not like others who can do it on their own.

     Not too comfortable doing things alone and yet want to try those stuff.

Cannot find friends to understand what I am battling.

     Even now my brother does not seem to understand depression.

     Medication only controls what I am feeling - anger, sadness and despair.

     But does not eradicate it.

Cannot talk to brother for just talk it out.

     Brother somehow seems to switch the blame to me.

     For not having a backup plan when I quit my job.

     For being accuse of "deadbeat" when I want to apply for disability benefits.

     

Cannot find friends just to talk it out.

     Very few people knows about my depression.

     Refused to reveal to others for fear of stigma.

     If my brother cannot understand me, then what chance do others.

The oddest thing is I am more happy being alone hiding in my condo.

    Fear of rejection.

    Fear of not understanding conversation.

    Fear of being labelled "Deaf and Dumb"

Should I be afraid of my future ?

LIES THAT WE TELL OURSELVES

Most of us do not like liars. In fact, we often feel offended, even angry, when another person lies to us. But the truth is, everyone lie to ourselves every day. We always tell ourselves in negative sense and talk it out which limits our personal growth.  It also limit our ability to live a full and grounded life. We deserve to live life fully, to experience all of the joy and mystery that life has to offer. The first step towards this way of being is awareness. If we can become aware of the ways in which we are lying to ourselves, we can begin to filter our thoughts in a productive way. 

MY PAST WILL ALWAYS HAUNT ME.

It should be "Your past can haunt you if let it." But no, you are not doomed to spend the rest of your life desperately seeking love from anyone who will show it to you because of a parent who never did. The very thing you’re doing at this moment – self-reflection, questioning old thought patterns – is a great step in the direction of change. When you hold onto your history, you do so at the expense of your destiny.

IF ONLY I HAD (FILL IN BLANK), I WOULD BE HAPPY.

There are two ways of being rich in happiness: One is to have all you want, the other is to be satisfied with all you have.  Both ways are the same. The important thing is accepting and appreciate things now. You'll find more happiness. Happiness comes when you stop complaining about the troubles you have and start offering thanks for all the troubles you do not have. Just be grateful what you have.

I’M TOO OLD FOR THAT.

You are never too old to go after what you want. Nelson Mandela was 76 when he became president. Leonardo Da Vinci was 51 years old when he painted the Mona Lisa.  Everyone is on their own timeline. And you are never too old or too young to fulfill your calling.

THAT PERSON (FILL IN THE BLANK) HAS IT SO MUCH EASIER THAN ME.

So many people believe this especially for me as I am hearing impaired. But some people say it is simply not true. The truth is, you have no idea what other person’s life is about. Everyone is exploring and struggling in their own way. Nobody was handed a manual or an instruction guide for life – everyone is trying to figure it out just the same way you are. I once heard someone say if we all threw our problems into a pile in the middle of a room and were forced to choose one, we would scramble to retrieve our own.

I CAN DO IT TOMORROW.

This is probably the one of the most frequent lies we tell ourselves. But we all know it’s not true.  The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do. I am a victim of this, and always have put it off.  But one day you will wake up and there would not be any more time to work on the things you have always wanted to do. No one knows what the future holds and what good does it do to live in the "one of these days” mindset? The life you have is today and the time to live it is now. Besides, if we all waited until we were ready, we would never get anything done!

HAPPINESS IS THE FOUNDATION OF MY WELL-BEING.

We tell ourselves over and over again," I need to be happy."  We question ourselves.  Instead of telling ourselves we need to stay happy, we ought to be letting ourselves feel however we do at any given moment. This kind of permission to feel as we feel — not continuous happiness — is the foundation of your well-being.

VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN

Violence against women is NOT acceptable in any form.

Earlier today, I made a FB post about my crush calling me a buddy and am stuck in friendship zone (through BitStrip cartoon).  However, unnamed person made an inappropriate comment that she should be punished and raped for sticking me in the friend zone.

Thanks to my friends who alerted me of this disgusting comment.  I have promptly deleted the post to prevent it from escalating further.  But unfortunately I had to spend the rest of the days answering the texts and emails as to how I was associated with this person.  I am too very upset and angry at this situation.  I have un-friend this person and distance myself from him.

I sincerely apologize for this inappropriate comment as it does not at all reflect my views.

#EndViolenceAgainstWoman #YesAllWomen

*****  Was posted on FB @ 06.02.2014 @ 23:06 *****

SELF-CARE

Taking care of yourself was suppose to be the key to life success.  But sadly it took me years for me to realize it.

When I was young, just graduated from university...I vowed that I would throw myself at work to prove my value to the workforce and show everyone that I am capable of.  I used to work myself frantic because I felt I had to in order to prove that I was worthy of achieving things. Running in different directions, saying yes to everything, thinking that the more that I did, the more success I would have.  I didn’t. No success. I did spend about a few days and nights in the hospital which is not good.

I use to work over 10 or 12 hours at an office or glued to a screen a day, even on weekends, with the idea of a vacation sounding like a scary proposition because it is a chance to fall behind. Especially if you are disabled, I used to believe that I had to prove myself to the society. None of them have very much to show for their self-sacrifice, even if I was making a decent amount of money.

It occurred to me, while hysterically crying after working 10 hours straight about a year ago...If I am falling apart now, just to keep up with what I am doing, how am I ever going to be able to manage a life with more good things?! How am I going to to live my dreams if I am already melting where I am?

Because of that — I quit my job about 6 months ago!  I thought with my extensive experience, companies would jump to hire me.  Imagine to my shock and frustration at the society of how they do not value it.

Today, do I have the energy to fulfilled my dreams … or is my life already too much for me to manage?  As I get older, the less I feel motivated to do simple things, let alone my dreams. My travel dream to exotic places is pretty much kaput.  My relationship dream to have a wonderful companion share in my life is also pretty much kaput.  My career dream to have a successful job with co-workers respecting is also pretty much kaput. 

NINE STEPS TO SELF-CARE

1. Always trust your instincts and go with it. If it feels wrong, then do not do it.
2. Do not be a people-pleaser.  Just ignore them.
3. Never ever speak bad about yourself.  Just keep it to yourself.
4. Never ever speak bad about others also.  Just keep it to yourself.
5. Do not be afraid to say "NO".  If it hurts other people, you alone are more important.
6. Say exactly what you mean.  Avoid any confusion.

7. Stay away from the drama and negativity.  Cause it will drain your life energy.

8. Stop obsessing of what other people have.  Cause it will drain your wallet. 

9. Live The Life You Want.  Live The Life You Should Love.

This is the mantra I am going to follow going forward.  It is going to be all about myself and my own life.

   

21 STRIKES AND COUNTING

*SIGH*

Have been more aggressive in trying to get a date by asking girls out...but so far nothing.  21 girls asked and nothing.

Have not had a serious girlfriend since my university years...more than 20 years ago.  Just a few dates here and there but nothing serious.  Just face it, who would want to date a skinny guy who is hearing impaired and is well know just for being a nice guy ?

Just tired of being single and alone in my life.  Just tired of seeing Facebook posts where my friends get married and/or have kids.  There are times that I just want to crawl into a dark cave and just wither my life away.  It is so hard to be happy and positive about the future.

People asked me why I have do not travel anymore.  It is just that it is not fun when traveling alone when you cannot share something / laugh / revel joy.  The worst part is asking someone to take a picture of you and the surroundings.  It is so awkward and embarrassing at times that I just do not bother anymore.  It is why you rarely see photos of myself anywhere.

I have been on Internet seeking advice for dating, going online sites everywhere, going out to bars / libraries / book stores / art museums / volunteering etc...without any success at all.  

Just face it, I am doomed to be single and will not have kids.  Gonna re-focus my life and will only seek to worry about myself and seek pleasure for myself only.  If there is something I do not like, simply say "NO" and move on.

Peace out and here is to being single for eternity.

30 DAYS CHALLENGE A BUST

TRUE...30 days challenge is a bust.

There was nothing positive to report.  It's all negative news and felt so down and was hospitalized to deal with myself.

A couple of Mondays ago, in one swoop got SEVEN job rejections with various excuses like I am over-qualified or the job position has been filled or I did not meet the qualifications.  You would think that with 15+ years experience with previous company would mean something.  I had expected to be on the job by now since quitting last October.

I lied to my friends that I applied for disability assistance.  Dunno why I did that or why I have not applied for it.  I got like over 400K in retirement money but cannot touch it till I am 65 years ago. So stupid cause I do not expect to live to 65 years old with all my health problems and constant battle with my emotions and depression.  I just can't seem to think anymore of what to do.

These days, I am getting too emotional when things does not go accordingly.  I tried to avoid conflicts as much as possible.  I do not like getting into arguments as I got plenty of that when I was young.  It's a dark secret I have yet to tell anyone but my brother knows.  To date, he has not accepted this dark secret.  Thus it's hard for me to tell my close friends when my own brother cannot accept it or believe it.

Yeah I got dark secrets ... and want to blot it out and try to move forward...but it's so hard to do so.  Therapy do not help me at all as it's just rehash my memories that I do not want to go there...or try my hardest to forget.

Wonder why I sleep a lot these days.  Cause day-dreaming or nightmares are so much better than reality.  Yep, you read it right, nightmares are better than reality.  I rarely go out these days and prefer the solitude of my home.  I no longer have any aspirations of traveling abroad nor do I wish to venture far from my city.

There are a lot of times that I just cry or when my heart feels so heavy that it just hurts.  I just hope that I go to sleep and never wake up from this reality nightmare.

CRAPPY HOLIDAY WEEKEND

30 Days Challenge to write the blog was a complete bust.  Couldn't write something if I didn't accomplished anything these days.  Dunno what's wrong with me and just admit need serious help.  Just feeling too emotional these days and can't seem to calm myself down.  Gonna try again ... 

The Victoria Holiday Weekend was the best of the times and the worst of the times...mostly worst.  

Friday night started off wonderfully with a dinner, and fun event @ ESC-IT (puzzle room) follow by The Amazing Spider-Man 3 movie.  During the dinner, I chatted with the nice server "Galeena" and asked her what do I need to do convince my good friend to date me.  She was honest and told me just ask her straight out and no games or anything like that.

So before the movie when I followed her advice and tried to convince my good friend to go out on a date with me.  She said no and respected that...but sort of became awkward during the movie...largely because I felt sad and alone as there were several scenes of romance.  I believe I made it worse for myself and allow myself get too emotional.

Over the next several days, I decided to get bold and ask several girls out on a date...but believe it or not nary an interest.  Most of them basically just said "You're a nice guy, but..." I am confused...what's exactly is wrong with nice guys these days ?  Women are so complicated and confusing to me.

Last night met an amazing girl and our conversations were like smooth flowing...and never felt like that for a while...feels so good to have a good long conversation like that...we were debating and enjoying each company...it felt so natural...it all came to a thud once her boyfriend came by...felt so embarrassed for letting my hopes up...went home with a sad face.  Again single.

At this rate, I am just looking for a first date let alone a relationship.  Maybe it's just never meant to for me to have a relationship at all.  Maybe I am doomed to be single for the remaining of my life.

LONELY GUY ... PART III

Why am I still lonely and do not have a girlfriend ?

Cause my parents would not let me go out with my friends at all during my school years.  As a result, I never seem to fully developed my social skills.  By the time I went to university, I felt totally awkward and uncomfortable with people around me.  Hence I never seem to make any long lasting friendships as many other friends claim to do so.  

Cause my confidence and self image is so fucked because of this. I cannot approach women easy as other seem to do so.  So I am 42 and have still never had a girlfriend, sex, anything at all. The one girl that did go out with me for a month (I can’t really count that as a relationship) parted ways citing the following: “You are too normal.  You are the first person that’s ever been nice and not abusive to me.  And nothing gets you mad so I don’t deserve someone like you, you’re the type of guy that dates like beauty queens, not girls like me.” I don’t even know how to respond to that.

Fuck me, right? That was an even bigger blow and that happened just in the past few months. Did not help one damn bit. I go from “not good enough” to “too good”. I don’t think so, but apparently so according to that one girl.

Hence fear of rejection sets in since school days.  These days, I rarely go out on dates, and even when I do, it is very rare that it goes beyond second date.  It's hard living with this feeling and being alone.  I am reminded of this saying ;

I must not fear.  Fear is the mind–killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I remain.

~ Dune by Frank Herbert

Maybe, just maybe, I am not meant to have a relationship at all.

LONELY GUY ... PART II

Sometimes, the person who tries to keep

Everyone else happy

Is always the most

Lonely Person.

Is why I am so quiet

Keep within myself

Always want to please others

So never leave them alone,

Because they will never say

“I need you.”

I will say I need you

More than you ever know

No one realizes until it is too late.

LONELY GUY

You would never guess it.

I was happy at work, everyone knows my name, everyone sees me as this outgoing, nice guy who really has it together. It’s ironic, because they would never guess that while everyone says merrily to each other, “Happy Friday!”.   I’m secretly dreading the fact that I’ll have another long weekend, bored and alone. 

I used to be happy.

I become extremely irritated when people say, “Oh my god, I have become such a loser after university- tee hee!” and then a day later you see them on Instagram/Facebook out with a group of friends that must have just mysteriously come out of nowhere.

I cannot even explain how many times I’ve said out loud to myself, “I don’t even know why I have a fucking phone as no one texts me.” And it’s true. My phone are solely my emails and internet.  I can go days at a time with no texts. I look at other people on the subway/shopping malls/bars who are typing away on their phones, buzzing with conversations, fulfillment, human interaction.

So, you may think I am getting ready for a night on the town. But I am sitting on my couch narrowing down my food delivery options on my laptop. The door will knock, and it only ever knocks for takeout that I order too much. I’ll sit here, hovering over the terrible comfort food, wolfing it in my mouth like a monster.

Then, when it’s all gone, I’ll curl back into my couch, my stomach full but heart empty. I willl think, what now? I look at clock, see the time is 10:00 PM — guess it is time for bed. I will always wonder how many people are like me.

And I wonder how long this loneliness will last.

SUFFERED RELAPSE

So much for 30 day challenge...

Suffered a relapse from my depression that I had to spend a night at the hospital.  Didn't tell anyone cause I was embarrassed over my stupidity.

You see, I totally forgot to renew my prescription and couldn't do it over the Easter holidays.  I had to wait till Tuesday thus missing two days of Cipralex (anti-depression) medication.  I was shaking so bad on Sunday night and Monday morning.  Kept convincing myself that I will be fine once I take the medication first thing on Tuesday.

Unfortunately, I passed out and was out for like 5 hours.  Managed to wake up and called 911 and ask for help.

Totally sucks and totally hated hospitals.  Hated myself.   

COMPARING TO OTHERS

One destructive habit is to constantly compare your life and yourself to other people and their lives. You compare cars, houses, jobs, shoes, money, relationships, social popularity and so on. And at the end of the day you create a lot of negative feelings within. And perhaps also outside of yourself.

1. Be Kind

Judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more.  Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.  The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

2. Don’t fall into the trap of hero worship

When you start to make myths out of people - even though they may have produced extraordinary results - you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. You can start to feel like you could never achieve similar things that they did because they are so very different. So it's important to keep in mind that everyone is just a human being no matter who they are.  Openness is in the long run more fun than being judgmental.

3. Just realize that you can't win

Just consciously realizing this can be helpful. No matter what you do you can pretty much always find someone else in the world that has more than you or are better than you at something. Yes, you may feel good for a while when you get a nicer car than you neighbor. But a week or two later you'll see someone from the next block with an even finer car than yours.

4. Give up both sides of comparing

If you can't stop doing the negative comparisons then stop doing them both. Because if you're in the head space where you compare to feel better about yourself then it's hard to stop it and not also start to compare in way that make you feel worse and inferior. So you may need to step out of that whole comparing habit because the two sides are often connected. Give up the upside to be able to move away from the downside.

5. Compare yourself to yourself.

Instead of comparing yourself to other people create the habit of comparing yourself to yourself. See how much you have grown, what you have achieved and what progress you have made towards your goals.

This habit has the benefit of creating gratitude, appreciation and kindness towards yourself as you observe how far you have come, the obstacles you have overcome and the good stuff you have done. You feel good about yourself without having to think less of other people.

30 DAYS CHALLENGE

This challenge is to make me to write a daily post onto my blog.  The last blog was 46 days after the previous post.  It’s not good as I am not tracking my progress and my goal to better my life.  Also by writing something everyday, it will get your creative juices following.

The next 30 days of blog post will consist of the following;

• Positive Attitude towards Life.
• Daily Progress of my cleaning.
• Weekly Learning – Know something new each week, mostly tech and home reno stuff.

It may be a lot, but it should be inspirational for me if I am able to accomplish that.  And it will start on April 16 till May 16.  If I can do it, then kudos for me.

WHAT HAPPENED ?

It’s been more than a month since I updated the blog.  Not sure why is that.  It’s what I have accomplished since my last post.

Veloster Turbo

• Finally fixed the annoying bumper damage and repainted to match my car color and added white strip.
• Added few mods – Oil Catch Can, Resonator Delete, Blue Washers,  Star Wars Decals and Suppliers Decals.
• Thoroughly detailed my car as the Winter is finally over … Looking forward to going to eShine Open House to learn more on May 17.

Cleaning Progress

• Bought 3 large bins from Home Depot on a sale and started going thru the main hall mess…unfortunately it’s a defeat feeling as all I am doing is moving things around...hence for some reason I have stopped cleaning.
• Got inspired by my recent visit to IKEA and got some paint samples for the main room.  It’s gonna be light blue-grey color with white trims...This color will keep room feel cool and yet stylish. Also planned to get the doors painted glossy black to get some contrast.

Routines

• I have finally got the daily morning routine going and getting into the habit of cleaning my kitchen and bathroom on the weekly basis.  So that’s my proud accomplishment since my last blog.  A small step towards reducing one-time massive cleaning.

Job Hunting

• In the space of three days, I was pleasantly surprised to be head-hunted by several companies.  It made me feel good that they are sincerely interested in my talents.  Mercer, Canoe Financial LP, Pan Am Games and Home Depot all asked me if I was interested in their positions.  Naturally I said yes.  It’s been a while since I wore a suit or prepare for the interviews.
• Pan Am Games – Their job position was to be a Aquatic Manager.  After reading their job description, I felt it would be more demanding than I thought.  I was not looking for more stress and pressure especially with overtime as the date for the Games draws closer.  It was tempting to accept it as it would be 2 year job.  I politely decline their interest in me.
• Home Depot – Their job position was to be Senior Accountant.  I went for the interview and aced it.  Unfortunately, they felt that I am over-qualified for the position.  Bummer.
• Canoe Financial LP – Their job position is Financial Fund Accountant.  I also aced two interviews with them.  But to date, I have not yet heard back from them.  At the advice from my brother, I am to be patient and wait for them.
• Mercer – Their job position is Senior Operations Accountant.  I also aced several interviews and even had lunch with them.  This job interest me the most as it is very similar to Portfolio Accountant with FTI.  It was a period of time that I was most happy with and truly enjoyed my time.  Also still waiting to hear from them.

Tattoos

• I have gotten two tattoos from BluGod.  On my left wrist is a saying “Live the LIVE you love.”  It’s a tribute to my years of battling the depression and a gentle reminder of what I have gone thru.   And also of how beautiful our life can be.  On my right wrist is a saying “Trust the FORCE.”  It’s a tribute to Star Wars and how much of it seems related to my life and my dreams of space.
• I am also planning to get a couple more on my biceps.  I already have an “OM” on my right biceps and plan to get some space theme around it.  On my left side, I am planning another Star Wars tattoo.  The initial picture of it doesn’t seem too good at all, so it’s back to the internet for simpler design.  That will take a while to do so.

FIVE DAILY HABITS TO FOLLOW

Five Daily Habits That Can Make Us More Positive and Happy People

Courtesy of www.dumblittleman.com

1)    Reduce negativity. This is much easier said than done because negativity is literally everywhere. The evening news, reality T.V. shows, violent movies, aggressive drivers, coworkers complaining, listening to people waiting in line at Walmart..

The list goes on and on. So how do we reduce these things which are a large part of most people’s lives? Simple. Take a break from them. Each day, we simply remove one negative influence from our daily routine.  Turn off the T.V. early, avoid talking to your friend who only wants to complain about their spouse, or walk to the store instead of driving. 

2)    Give unconditionally. This can be one of the most powerful and emotionally uplifting things one person can do for another. 

Consider the following actions: Giving a homeless man our last $10 dollars because he needs it more than we do, letting a person cut in front of us in line at the supermarket because they are clearly having a rough day, or carrying an elderly person’s bags to their car because we see them struggling are all examples of unconditional giving. 

We should ask ourselves to give this way at least once each day and no doubt we will find our lives improving dramatically. 

3)    Exercise. As much as we hear it already, exercise, particularly vigorous exercise, really is a cure all. Getting those muscles pumping and oxygen working through the body does wonders for our emotional and physical health. 

If we aren’t exercising right now, we need to start. Exercise can be in the form of walking, jogging, cross training, or playing tennis. The key is to start moving your body. 

We will feel better and look better and when those things happen, we will feel more confident, positive, and happy. That’s just a plain and simple fact.

4)    Talk to strangers. Many of us walk around leery of other people. We form snap judgments about them and tend to avoid direct eye contact and/or conversation. Why? Because our negative society has taught us not to trust people. 

But the reality is that 99% of the people we see every day are good, decent people. 

So the next time we’re on an elevator with a stranger, let’s say hello and ask them how they are. And do it sincerely. 

When we’re waiting in line at the grocery store, we can strike up a conversation with the person behind us.  We will be amazed at how our whole being changes when we do this. There is opportunity for this everywhere and we won’t have to try hard to make this a daily habit.

5)    Smile. This sounds very cliché, but it’s so true. Most of us find it hard to form a sincere smile upon making eye contact with someone. Maybe we give a quick nod or “hello”, but there is a great deal of power in offering a genuine smile. 

We just may make someone’s day and will surely feel better ourselves as well. Making someone happier, even if it’s temporary, will have a profound effect on our own happiness. 

My Viewpoints

1.  Reduce Negativity – I have basically have followed all the steps, but need to be more proactive of myself not spending too much time talking about negativity.

2.   Give Unconditionally – I felt that I already give and sometimes go beyond my capability.

3.  Exercise – I am taking daily walks (almost) and have taken steps to renew my condo fitness membership (free with ownership) and will be hitting the gym on March 10^th for sure.

4.  Talk to strangers - *SIGH* this is the area that I am most uncomfortable about especially in large gatherings and mostly due to my disability as it is more stressful and hard work just to listen.

5.  Smile – I need to do that more often and all the time.

THIS IS YOUR PATH

This is your path,

You know it now,

This is your dream,

You realize it now.

Now you have to prove it.

Nothing can hinder you

Or stop you.

You will achieve your objective.

When you walk with your heart full of courage,

The ground will tremble beneath your feet.

Obstacles will not matter.

Your goal is to step forth and embrace yourself.

It’s not for you to stop day or night.

You will achieve your objective.

This is your path,

You realize it now.

Now you have to prove it.

RESOLUTION UPDATE #2

Progress Update

Unfortunately, the Winter Olympics 2014 @ Sochi put a major dent on my plans.  It does not help when the prime events are in the morning.  Basically I was watching from morning to 2 PM and then take a nap.  Before you know it the day is over. 

As I said in the last post ~ “The hard part is maintaining it and not letting it slide back to the dark days.  I have been working hard to keep it that way.”  To my disappointment, I didn't do that as a result the bathroom has gotten dirty again.  The problem was that I was letting the routine control me.  It should be that the routines need to work for you, not the other way around.  Routines can be comforting, help me avoid spending money unnecessarily, and save me time when you need it most.  So I had to revise my routine and spread the regular tasks over several days as oppose to trying to do everything in one day.

Cleaning Update and Plan To Achieve It

Then I get an untimely letter from my condo Board of Directors of inspecting my place on March 10^th.  I have received two warnings for two straight years on my hoarding and cleanness issues.  Thus the new ABSOLUTE deadline is Sunday March 9 which gives me 11 days to thoroughly clean out everything and make it organized as possible.

Thus I had to come up with the plan to complete my goal by March 9^th.

Feb 27 Morning – Clean the kitchen including fixing the outlet;

Feb 27 Afternoon – Clean the bathroom;

Feb 27 Evening – Clean out the dining table

Feb 28 Morning / Afternoon – Clean living room pile

Feb 28 Evening -  Start cleaning out the hutch

Mar 1 – Continue cleaning out the hutch / coffee table / garbage / recycling

Next update will on March 1 evening on the progress of cleaning.

Inspirations

I have been reading a lot of blogs especially “The Apartment Therapy”.  This was how I found out that my favourite IKEA bookcase was gonna be phased out.  It was on my list of products to buy after cleaning out my place.  So I went to IKEA (it was ages since I was there) and got inspired by the cleanness and how organized it was.  Believe it or not, I already have a vision as to how my condo should look.

Planning and visualization means nothing unless you do something about it.

NOW ON BLOGLOVING

Good news, this blog is now available on Blogloving.

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RESOLUTIONS UPDATE

Hoarding Update
~ Garbage is gone;
~ Kitchen and Bathroom is now 100% clean;
~ Next Step is the main living space which I hope to get it done by end of this week;
~ First week of February , I plan to hire an electrician to fix the kitchen issues and also hire a painter to color up the walls just for main living space and bathroom.
~ The hard part is maintaining it and not letting it slide back to the dark days.  I have been working hard to keep it that way.

Depression Update
~ I will be meeting my doctor tomorrow, and I plan to reduce the power of Mylan-Zopiclone (is used to treat insomnia) from 7.5 mg to 5 mg.  The goal is to reduce the dependence on the drugs to solve my health problems.  It depends on the Dr. Sadry's opinion.  We will see how it goes.   January 28 Update - Dr. Sadry actually reduce it to 3.5mg (or half of previous dose) as she agreed with me and felt that I am improving since my quitting the job. 

Relationship Connections
~ I have reconnected with some of the old friends of mine and it was good to hear from them again.  These are the people I used to trust in the past, but for the shame of myself, I failed to follow up / kept in touch.  It is something I vow this year not to do again.  We spend hours catching up and reconnecting.  It felt so good to have positive feelings with them.

Love and Job Hunting
~ Is at cross-roads in both areas ...
~ But I have signed up for several MeetUps groups and will be attending a couple this Saturday.  But I am being positive and not to let my expectations to be high.  Just to go out and have fun.
~ Learning HTML5 / CSS blog programming to make my blog website better.  So far it is a major improvement from old blogs.
~ Learning Financial Models in Excel programming;  I believe the more I know about this, the better I would be positioned for the future job prospects.

Finally like to say thanks to everyone who have been reading my blog in the past month.  425 views as of now is surprising a lot.  Thanks for your support ! 

BE THE CHANGE !

The other day, my brother send me this article which you can read it in full -

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

It is something I found myself reading several times and trying to apply it to myself.  I will definitely re-visit this article several times and for sure end of 2014.

It is one brilliant article – harsh and brutal honestly about life in general.   Here is the general synopsis;

#6. The World Only Cares About What It Can Get from You

If you want to know why society seems to shun you, or why you seem to get no respect, it's because society is full of people who need things. 

Either you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, or the world will reject you, no matter how kind, giving, and polite you are. You will be poor, you will be alone, you will be left out in the cold.

Does that seem mean, or crass, or materialistic? What about love and kindness -- don't those things matter? Of course. As long as they result in you doing things for people that they can't get elsewhere. For you see ...

#5. The Hippies Were Wrong

It's brutal, rude, and borderline sociopathic, and also it is an honest and accurate expression of what the world is going to expect from you. The difference is that, in the real world, people consider it so wrong to talk to you that way that they've decided it's better to simply let you keep failing.

You don't have to like it. I don't like it when it rains on my birthday. It rains anyway. Clouds form and precipitation happens. People have needs and thus assign value to the people who meet them. These are simple mechanisms of the universe and they do not respond to our wishes.

#4. What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People

"What, so you're saying that I can't get girls like that unless I have a nice job and make lots of money?"

No, your brain jumps to that conclusion so you have an excuse to write off everyone who rejects you by thinking that they're just being shallow and selfish. I'm asking what do you offer? Are you smart? Funny? Interesting? Talented? Ambitious? Creative? OK, now what do you do to demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don't say that you're a nice guy -- that's the bare minimum. Pretty girls have guys being nice to them 36 times a day. The patient is bleeding in the street. Do you know how to operate or not?

Does that break your heart? OK, so now what? Are you going to mope about it, or are you going to learn how to do surgery? It's up to you, but don't complain about how girls fall for jerks; they fall for those jerks because those jerks have other things they can offer. "But I'm a great listener!" Are you? Because you're willing to sit quietly in exchange for the chance to be in the proximity of a pretty girl (and spend every second imagining how soft her skin must be)? Well guess what, there's another guy in her life who also knows how to do that, and he can play the guitar. Saying that you're a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn't make you sick. You're like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is "The actors are clearly visible."

I think this is why you can be a "nice guy" and still feel terrible about yourself. Specifically ...

#3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don't Do Anything

It's always "How can I get a job?" and not "How can I become the type of person employers want?" It's "How can I get pretty girls to like me?" instead of "How can I become the type of person that pretty girls like?" 

"But why can't I find someone who just likes me for me?" you ask. The answer is because humans need things. The victim is bleeding, and all you can do is look down and complain that there aren't more gunshot wounds that just fix themselves?

#2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do

There's a common defense to everything I've said so far, and to every critical voice in your life. It's the thing your ego is saying to you in order to prevent you from having to do the hard work of improving: "I know I'm a good person on the inside." It may also be phrased as "I know who I am" or "I just have to be me."

Inside, you have great compassion for poor people. Great. Does that result in you doing anything about it? Do you hear about some terrible tragedy in your community and say, "Oh, those poor children. Let them know that they are in my thoughts"? Because fuck you if so -- find out what they need and help provide it. A hundred million people watched that Kony video, virtually all of whom kept those poor African children "in their thoughts." What did the collective power of those good thoughts provide? Jack fucking shit. Children die every day because millions of us tell ourselves that caring is just as good as doing. It's an internal mechanism controlled by the lazy part of your brain to keep you from actually doing work.

#1. Everything Inside You Will Fight Improvement

The human mind is a miracle, and you will never see it spring more beautifully into action than when it is fighting against evidence that it needs to change. Your psyche is equipped with layer after layer of defense mechanisms designed to shoot down anything that might keep things from staying exactly where they are -- ask any addict.

So even now, some of you reading this are feeling your brain bombard you with knee-jerk reasons to reject it. From experience, I can say that these seem to come in the form of ...

*Intentionally Interpreting Any Criticism as an Insult

*Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the Message

*Focusing on the Tone to Avoid Hearing the Content

*Revising Your Own History

*Pretending That Any Self-Improvement Would Somehow Be Selling Out Your True Self

And so on. Remember, misery is comfortable. It's why so many people prefer it. Happiness takes effort.  Also, courage. It's incredibly comforting to know that as long as you don't create anything in your life, then nobody can attack the thing you created.  It's so much easier to just sit back and criticize other people's creations.

Just remember, they're only expressing their own fear, since trashing other people's work is another excuse to do nothing. "Why should I create anything when the things other people create suck? I would totally have written a novel by now, but I'm going to wait for something good, I don't want to write the next Twilight!" As long as they never produce anything, their work will forever be perfect and beyond reproach. Or if they do produce something, they'll make sure they do it with detached irony. They'll make it intentionally bad to make it clear to everyone else that this isn't their real effort. Their real effort would have been amazing. Not like the shit you made.

Don't be that person. If you are that person, don't be that person any more. This is what's making people hate you. This is what's making you hate yourself.

So how about this: One Year. The end of 2014, that's our deadline. Or a year from whenever you read this. While other people are telling you "Let's make a New Year's resolution to lose 15 pounds this year!" I'm going to say let's pledge to do fucking anything -- add any skill, any improvement to your human tool set, and get good enough at it to impress people. Don't ask me what -- hell, pick something at random if you don't know. Take a class in karate, or ballroom dancing, or pottery. Learn to bake. Build a birdhouse. Learn massage. Learn a programming language. Film a porno. Adopt a superhero persona and fight crime.  But the key is, I don't want you to focus on something great that you're going to make happen to you ("I'm going to find a girlfriend, I'm going to make lots of money ...").

I want you to purely focus on giving yourself a skill that would make you ever so slightly more interesting and valuable to other people.