Why am I still lonely and do not have a girlfriend ?
Cause my parents would not let me go out with my friends at all during my school years. As a result, I never seem to fully developed my social skills. By the time I went to university, I felt totally awkward and uncomfortable with people around me. Hence I never seem to make any long lasting friendships as many other friends claim to do so.
Cause my confidence and self image is so fucked because of this. I cannot approach women easy as other seem to do so. So I am 42 and have still never had
a girlfriend, sex, anything at all. The one girl that did go out with me for a
month (I can’t really count that as a relationship) parted ways citing the
following: “You are too normal. You are the first person that’s ever been nice
and not abusive to me. And nothing gets you mad so I don’t deserve someone like
you, you’re the type of guy that dates like beauty queens, not girls like me.”
I don’t even know how to respond to that.
Fuck me, right? That was an even bigger blow and that happened
just in the past few months. Did not help one damn bit. I go from “not good
enough” to “too good”. I don’t think so, but apparently so according to that
one girl.
Hence fear of rejection sets in since school days. These days, I rarely go out on dates, and even when I do, it is very rare that it goes beyond second date. It's hard living with this feeling and being alone. I am reminded of this saying ;
I must not fear. Fear is the mind–killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total
obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through
me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the
inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be
nothing. Only I remain.
~ Dune by Frank Herbert
Maybe, just maybe, I am not meant to have a relationship at all.
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