TRUE...30 days challenge is a bust.
There was nothing positive to report. It's all negative news and felt so down and was hospitalized to deal with myself.
A couple of Mondays ago, in one swoop got SEVEN job rejections with various excuses like I am over-qualified or the job position has been filled or I did not meet the qualifications. You would think that with 15+ years experience with previous company would mean something. I had expected to be on the job by now since quitting last October.
I lied to my friends that I applied for disability assistance. Dunno why I did that or why I have not applied for it. I got like over 400K in retirement money but cannot touch it till I am 65 years ago. So stupid cause I do not expect to live to 65 years old with all my health problems and constant battle with my emotions and depression. I just can't seem to think anymore of what to do.
These days, I am getting too emotional when things does not go accordingly. I tried to avoid conflicts as much as possible. I do not like getting into arguments as I got plenty of that when I was young. It's a dark secret I have yet to tell anyone but my brother knows. To date, he has not accepted this dark secret. Thus it's hard for me to tell my close friends when my own brother cannot accept it or believe it.
Yeah I got dark secrets ... and want to blot it out and try to move forward...but it's so hard to do so. Therapy do not help me at all as it's just rehash my memories that I do not want to go there...or try my hardest to forget.
Wonder why I sleep a lot these days. Cause day-dreaming or nightmares are so much better than reality. Yep, you read it right, nightmares are better than reality. I rarely go out these days and prefer the solitude of my home. I no longer have any aspirations of traveling abroad nor do I wish to venture far from my city.
There are a lot of times that I just cry or when my heart feels so heavy that it just hurts. I just hope that I go to sleep and never wake up from this reality nightmare.
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