30 DAYS CHALLENGE A BUST

TRUE...30 days challenge is a bust.

There was nothing positive to report.  It's all negative news and felt so down and was hospitalized to deal with myself.

A couple of Mondays ago, in one swoop got SEVEN job rejections with various excuses like I am over-qualified or the job position has been filled or I did not meet the qualifications.  You would think that with 15+ years experience with previous company would mean something.  I had expected to be on the job by now since quitting last October.

I lied to my friends that I applied for disability assistance.  Dunno why I did that or why I have not applied for it.  I got like over 400K in retirement money but cannot touch it till I am 65 years ago. So stupid cause I do not expect to live to 65 years old with all my health problems and constant battle with my emotions and depression.  I just can't seem to think anymore of what to do.

These days, I am getting too emotional when things does not go accordingly.  I tried to avoid conflicts as much as possible.  I do not like getting into arguments as I got plenty of that when I was young.  It's a dark secret I have yet to tell anyone but my brother knows.  To date, he has not accepted this dark secret.  Thus it's hard for me to tell my close friends when my own brother cannot accept it or believe it.

Yeah I got dark secrets ... and want to blot it out and try to move forward...but it's so hard to do so.  Therapy do not help me at all as it's just rehash my memories that I do not want to go there...or try my hardest to forget.

Wonder why I sleep a lot these days.  Cause day-dreaming or nightmares are so much better than reality.  Yep, you read it right, nightmares are better than reality.  I rarely go out these days and prefer the solitude of my home.  I no longer have any aspirations of traveling abroad nor do I wish to venture far from my city.

There are a lot of times that I just cry or when my heart feels so heavy that it just hurts.  I just hope that I go to sleep and never wake up from this reality nightmare.

CRAPPY HOLIDAY WEEKEND

30 Days Challenge to write the blog was a complete bust.  Couldn't write something if I didn't accomplished anything these days.  Dunno what's wrong with me and just admit need serious help.  Just feeling too emotional these days and can't seem to calm myself down.  Gonna try again ... 

The Victoria Holiday Weekend was the best of the times and the worst of the times...mostly worst.  

Friday night started off wonderfully with a dinner, and fun event @ ESC-IT (puzzle room) follow by The Amazing Spider-Man 3 movie.  During the dinner, I chatted with the nice server "Galeena" and asked her what do I need to do convince my good friend to date me.  She was honest and told me just ask her straight out and no games or anything like that.

So before the movie when I followed her advice and tried to convince my good friend to go out on a date with me.  She said no and respected that...but sort of became awkward during the movie...largely because I felt sad and alone as there were several scenes of romance.  I believe I made it worse for myself and allow myself get too emotional.

Over the next several days, I decided to get bold and ask several girls out on a date...but believe it or not nary an interest.  Most of them basically just said "You're a nice guy, but..." I am confused...what's exactly is wrong with nice guys these days ?  Women are so complicated and confusing to me.

Last night met an amazing girl and our conversations were like smooth flowing...and never felt like that for a while...feels so good to have a good long conversation like that...we were debating and enjoying each company...it felt so natural...it all came to a thud once her boyfriend came by...felt so embarrassed for letting my hopes up...went home with a sad face.  Again single.

At this rate, I am just looking for a first date let alone a relationship.  Maybe it's just never meant to for me to have a relationship at all.  Maybe I am doomed to be single for the remaining of my life.

LONELY GUY ... PART III

Why am I still lonely and do not have a girlfriend ?

Cause my parents would not let me go out with my friends at all during my school years.  As a result, I never seem to fully developed my social skills.  By the time I went to university, I felt totally awkward and uncomfortable with people around me.  Hence I never seem to make any long lasting friendships as many other friends claim to do so.  

Cause my confidence and self image is so fucked because of this. I cannot approach women easy as other seem to do so.  So I am 42 and have still never had a girlfriend, sex, anything at all. The one girl that did go out with me for a month (I can’t really count that as a relationship) parted ways citing the following: “You are too normal.  You are the first person that’s ever been nice and not abusive to me.  And nothing gets you mad so I don’t deserve someone like you, you’re the type of guy that dates like beauty queens, not girls like me.” I don’t even know how to respond to that.

Fuck me, right? That was an even bigger blow and that happened just in the past few months. Did not help one damn bit. I go from “not good enough” to “too good”. I don’t think so, but apparently so according to that one girl.

Hence fear of rejection sets in since school days.  These days, I rarely go out on dates, and even when I do, it is very rare that it goes beyond second date.  It's hard living with this feeling and being alone.  I am reminded of this saying ;

I must not fear.  Fear is the mind–killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I remain.

~ Dune by Frank Herbert

Maybe, just maybe, I am not meant to have a relationship at all.

LONELY GUY ... PART II

Sometimes, the person who tries to keep

Everyone else happy

Is always the most

Lonely Person.

Is why I am so quiet

Keep within myself

Always want to please others

So never leave them alone,

Because they will never say

“I need you.”

I will say I need you

More than you ever know

No one realizes until it is too late.

LONELY GUY

You would never guess it.

I was happy at work, everyone knows my name, everyone sees me as this outgoing, nice guy who really has it together. It’s ironic, because they would never guess that while everyone says merrily to each other, “Happy Friday!”.   I’m secretly dreading the fact that I’ll have another long weekend, bored and alone. 

I used to be happy.

I become extremely irritated when people say, “Oh my god, I have become such a loser after university- tee hee!” and then a day later you see them on Instagram/Facebook out with a group of friends that must have just mysteriously come out of nowhere.

I cannot even explain how many times I’ve said out loud to myself, “I don’t even know why I have a fucking phone as no one texts me.” And it’s true. My phone are solely my emails and internet.  I can go days at a time with no texts. I look at other people on the subway/shopping malls/bars who are typing away on their phones, buzzing with conversations, fulfillment, human interaction.

So, you may think I am getting ready for a night on the town. But I am sitting on my couch narrowing down my food delivery options on my laptop. The door will knock, and it only ever knocks for takeout that I order too much. I’ll sit here, hovering over the terrible comfort food, wolfing it in my mouth like a monster.

Then, when it’s all gone, I’ll curl back into my couch, my stomach full but heart empty. I willl think, what now? I look at clock, see the time is 10:00 PM — guess it is time for bed. I will always wonder how many people are like me.

And I wonder how long this loneliness will last.

SUFFERED RELAPSE

So much for 30 day challenge...

Suffered a relapse from my depression that I had to spend a night at the hospital.  Didn't tell anyone cause I was embarrassed over my stupidity.

You see, I totally forgot to renew my prescription and couldn't do it over the Easter holidays.  I had to wait till Tuesday thus missing two days of Cipralex (anti-depression) medication.  I was shaking so bad on Sunday night and Monday morning.  Kept convincing myself that I will be fine once I take the medication first thing on Tuesday.

Unfortunately, I passed out and was out for like 5 hours.  Managed to wake up and called 911 and ask for help.

Totally sucks and totally hated hospitals.  Hated myself.   

COMPARING TO OTHERS

One destructive habit is to constantly compare your life and yourself to other people and their lives. You compare cars, houses, jobs, shoes, money, relationships, social popularity and so on. And at the end of the day you create a lot of negative feelings within. And perhaps also outside of yourself.

1. Be Kind

Judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more.  Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.  The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

2. Don’t fall into the trap of hero worship

When you start to make myths out of people - even though they may have produced extraordinary results - you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. You can start to feel like you could never achieve similar things that they did because they are so very different. So it's important to keep in mind that everyone is just a human being no matter who they are.  Openness is in the long run more fun than being judgmental.

3. Just realize that you can't win

Just consciously realizing this can be helpful. No matter what you do you can pretty much always find someone else in the world that has more than you or are better than you at something. Yes, you may feel good for a while when you get a nicer car than you neighbor. But a week or two later you'll see someone from the next block with an even finer car than yours.

4. Give up both sides of comparing

If you can't stop doing the negative comparisons then stop doing them both. Because if you're in the head space where you compare to feel better about yourself then it's hard to stop it and not also start to compare in way that make you feel worse and inferior. So you may need to step out of that whole comparing habit because the two sides are often connected. Give up the upside to be able to move away from the downside.

5. Compare yourself to yourself.

Instead of comparing yourself to other people create the habit of comparing yourself to yourself. See how much you have grown, what you have achieved and what progress you have made towards your goals.

This habit has the benefit of creating gratitude, appreciation and kindness towards yourself as you observe how far you have come, the obstacles you have overcome and the good stuff you have done. You feel good about yourself without having to think less of other people.

30 DAYS CHALLENGE

This challenge is to make me to write a daily post onto my blog.  The last blog was 46 days after the previous post.  It’s not good as I am not tracking my progress and my goal to better my life.  Also by writing something everyday, it will get your creative juices following.

The next 30 days of blog post will consist of the following;

• Positive Attitude towards Life.
• Daily Progress of my cleaning.
• Weekly Learning – Know something new each week, mostly tech and home reno stuff.

It may be a lot, but it should be inspirational for me if I am able to accomplish that.  And it will start on April 16 till May 16.  If I can do it, then kudos for me.

WHAT HAPPENED ?

It’s been more than a month since I updated the blog.  Not sure why is that.  It’s what I have accomplished since my last post.

Veloster Turbo

• Finally fixed the annoying bumper damage and repainted to match my car color and added white strip.
• Added few mods – Oil Catch Can, Resonator Delete, Blue Washers,  Star Wars Decals and Suppliers Decals.
• Thoroughly detailed my car as the Winter is finally over … Looking forward to going to eShine Open House to learn more on May 17.

Cleaning Progress

• Bought 3 large bins from Home Depot on a sale and started going thru the main hall mess…unfortunately it’s a defeat feeling as all I am doing is moving things around...hence for some reason I have stopped cleaning.
• Got inspired by my recent visit to IKEA and got some paint samples for the main room.  It’s gonna be light blue-grey color with white trims...This color will keep room feel cool and yet stylish. Also planned to get the doors painted glossy black to get some contrast.

Routines

• I have finally got the daily morning routine going and getting into the habit of cleaning my kitchen and bathroom on the weekly basis.  So that’s my proud accomplishment since my last blog.  A small step towards reducing one-time massive cleaning.

Job Hunting

• In the space of three days, I was pleasantly surprised to be head-hunted by several companies.  It made me feel good that they are sincerely interested in my talents.  Mercer, Canoe Financial LP, Pan Am Games and Home Depot all asked me if I was interested in their positions.  Naturally I said yes.  It’s been a while since I wore a suit or prepare for the interviews.
• Pan Am Games – Their job position was to be a Aquatic Manager.  After reading their job description, I felt it would be more demanding than I thought.  I was not looking for more stress and pressure especially with overtime as the date for the Games draws closer.  It was tempting to accept it as it would be 2 year job.  I politely decline their interest in me.
• Home Depot – Their job position was to be Senior Accountant.  I went for the interview and aced it.  Unfortunately, they felt that I am over-qualified for the position.  Bummer.
• Canoe Financial LP – Their job position is Financial Fund Accountant.  I also aced two interviews with them.  But to date, I have not yet heard back from them.  At the advice from my brother, I am to be patient and wait for them.
• Mercer – Their job position is Senior Operations Accountant.  I also aced several interviews and even had lunch with them.  This job interest me the most as it is very similar to Portfolio Accountant with FTI.  It was a period of time that I was most happy with and truly enjoyed my time.  Also still waiting to hear from them.

Tattoos

• I have gotten two tattoos from BluGod.  On my left wrist is a saying “Live the LIVE you love.”  It’s a tribute to my years of battling the depression and a gentle reminder of what I have gone thru.   And also of how beautiful our life can be.  On my right wrist is a saying “Trust the FORCE.”  It’s a tribute to Star Wars and how much of it seems related to my life and my dreams of space.
• I am also planning to get a couple more on my biceps.  I already have an “OM” on my right biceps and plan to get some space theme around it.  On my left side, I am planning another Star Wars tattoo.  The initial picture of it doesn’t seem too good at all, so it’s back to the internet for simpler design.  That will take a while to do so.