SELF-CARE

Taking care of yourself was suppose to be the key to life success.  But sadly it took me years for me to realize it.

When I was young, just graduated from university...I vowed that I would throw myself at work to prove my value to the workforce and show everyone that I am capable of.  I used to work myself frantic because I felt I had to in order to prove that I was worthy of achieving things. Running in different directions, saying yes to everything, thinking that the more that I did, the more success I would have.  I didn’t. No success. I did spend about a few days and nights in the hospital which is not good.

I use to work over 10 or 12 hours at an office or glued to a screen a day, even on weekends, with the idea of a vacation sounding like a scary proposition because it is a chance to fall behind. Especially if you are disabled, I used to believe that I had to prove myself to the society. None of them have very much to show for their self-sacrifice, even if I was making a decent amount of money.

It occurred to me, while hysterically crying after working 10 hours straight about a year ago...If I am falling apart now, just to keep up with what I am doing, how am I ever going to be able to manage a life with more good things?! How am I going to to live my dreams if I am already melting where I am?

Because of that — I quit my job about 6 months ago!  I thought with my extensive experience, companies would jump to hire me.  Imagine to my shock and frustration at the society of how they do not value it.

Today, do I have the energy to fulfilled my dreams … or is my life already too much for me to manage?  As I get older, the less I feel motivated to do simple things, let alone my dreams. My travel dream to exotic places is pretty much kaput.  My relationship dream to have a wonderful companion share in my life is also pretty much kaput.  My career dream to have a successful job with co-workers respecting is also pretty much kaput. 

NINE STEPS TO SELF-CARE

1. Always trust your instincts and go with it. If it feels wrong, then do not do it.
2. Do not be a people-pleaser.  Just ignore them.
3. Never ever speak bad about yourself.  Just keep it to yourself.
4. Never ever speak bad about others also.  Just keep it to yourself.
5. Do not be afraid to say "NO".  If it hurts other people, you alone are more important.
6. Say exactly what you mean.  Avoid any confusion.

7. Stay away from the drama and negativity.  Cause it will drain your life energy.

8. Stop obsessing of what other people have.  Cause it will drain your wallet. 

9. Live The Life You Want.  Live The Life You Should Love.

This is the mantra I am going to follow going forward.  It is going to be all about myself and my own life.

   

21 STRIKES AND COUNTING

*SIGH*

Have been more aggressive in trying to get a date by asking girls out...but so far nothing.  21 girls asked and nothing.

Have not had a serious girlfriend since my university years...more than 20 years ago.  Just a few dates here and there but nothing serious.  Just face it, who would want to date a skinny guy who is hearing impaired and is well know just for being a nice guy ?

Just tired of being single and alone in my life.  Just tired of seeing Facebook posts where my friends get married and/or have kids.  There are times that I just want to crawl into a dark cave and just wither my life away.  It is so hard to be happy and positive about the future.

People asked me why I have do not travel anymore.  It is just that it is not fun when traveling alone when you cannot share something / laugh / revel joy.  The worst part is asking someone to take a picture of you and the surroundings.  It is so awkward and embarrassing at times that I just do not bother anymore.  It is why you rarely see photos of myself anywhere.

I have been on Internet seeking advice for dating, going online sites everywhere, going out to bars / libraries / book stores / art museums / volunteering etc...without any success at all.  

Just face it, I am doomed to be single and will not have kids.  Gonna re-focus my life and will only seek to worry about myself and seek pleasure for myself only.  If there is something I do not like, simply say "NO" and move on.

Peace out and here is to being single for eternity.

30 DAYS CHALLENGE A BUST

TRUE...30 days challenge is a bust.

There was nothing positive to report.  It's all negative news and felt so down and was hospitalized to deal with myself.

A couple of Mondays ago, in one swoop got SEVEN job rejections with various excuses like I am over-qualified or the job position has been filled or I did not meet the qualifications.  You would think that with 15+ years experience with previous company would mean something.  I had expected to be on the job by now since quitting last October.

I lied to my friends that I applied for disability assistance.  Dunno why I did that or why I have not applied for it.  I got like over 400K in retirement money but cannot touch it till I am 65 years ago. So stupid cause I do not expect to live to 65 years old with all my health problems and constant battle with my emotions and depression.  I just can't seem to think anymore of what to do.

These days, I am getting too emotional when things does not go accordingly.  I tried to avoid conflicts as much as possible.  I do not like getting into arguments as I got plenty of that when I was young.  It's a dark secret I have yet to tell anyone but my brother knows.  To date, he has not accepted this dark secret.  Thus it's hard for me to tell my close friends when my own brother cannot accept it or believe it.

Yeah I got dark secrets ... and want to blot it out and try to move forward...but it's so hard to do so.  Therapy do not help me at all as it's just rehash my memories that I do not want to go there...or try my hardest to forget.

Wonder why I sleep a lot these days.  Cause day-dreaming or nightmares are so much better than reality.  Yep, you read it right, nightmares are better than reality.  I rarely go out these days and prefer the solitude of my home.  I no longer have any aspirations of traveling abroad nor do I wish to venture far from my city.

There are a lot of times that I just cry or when my heart feels so heavy that it just hurts.  I just hope that I go to sleep and never wake up from this reality nightmare.

CRAPPY HOLIDAY WEEKEND

30 Days Challenge to write the blog was a complete bust.  Couldn't write something if I didn't accomplished anything these days.  Dunno what's wrong with me and just admit need serious help.  Just feeling too emotional these days and can't seem to calm myself down.  Gonna try again ... 

The Victoria Holiday Weekend was the best of the times and the worst of the times...mostly worst.  

Friday night started off wonderfully with a dinner, and fun event @ ESC-IT (puzzle room) follow by The Amazing Spider-Man 3 movie.  During the dinner, I chatted with the nice server "Galeena" and asked her what do I need to do convince my good friend to date me.  She was honest and told me just ask her straight out and no games or anything like that.

So before the movie when I followed her advice and tried to convince my good friend to go out on a date with me.  She said no and respected that...but sort of became awkward during the movie...largely because I felt sad and alone as there were several scenes of romance.  I believe I made it worse for myself and allow myself get too emotional.

Over the next several days, I decided to get bold and ask several girls out on a date...but believe it or not nary an interest.  Most of them basically just said "You're a nice guy, but..." I am confused...what's exactly is wrong with nice guys these days ?  Women are so complicated and confusing to me.

Last night met an amazing girl and our conversations were like smooth flowing...and never felt like that for a while...feels so good to have a good long conversation like that...we were debating and enjoying each company...it felt so natural...it all came to a thud once her boyfriend came by...felt so embarrassed for letting my hopes up...went home with a sad face.  Again single.

At this rate, I am just looking for a first date let alone a relationship.  Maybe it's just never meant to for me to have a relationship at all.  Maybe I am doomed to be single for the remaining of my life.