GOING OUT OF CONTROL...

Sorry for not staying in touch...

A lot of things has happened since my last post.  

Good news first...
~ Got a job working underground as a Poker Dealer
~ Got a job working at CNE casino @ Toronto
~ Ease the pressure on money issues.
~ Made some cool friends who are Brazil fans and enjoyed cheering with them during the World Cup.  Now I understand the reason of going to the bars and supporting with your country with such passion.  Sad part, it took me this long to figure it out.  I still blame my father for this.

Bad news...
~ Flunk the poker test @ CNE casino as I did not take the control of my own table.  Hurts my ego and confidence as to whether I can handle it.
~ Lost my wallet last Thursday and screwed up my plans on Friday as I had to scrambled to get replacement cards necessary for day to day.  More importantly missed my neat Obtainium wallet.  Am still struggling to figure out as to how I lost it as I am very careful on these stuff.  Haven't lost my wallet or critical cards since I was a teenager.  Am I going crazy, old and senile ?  Do I have control over my stuff anymore ?
~  More job rejects ... really hurts as you would think with my 18 years experience would count for something.  I guess being hearing impaired and having halitosis (bad breathe) turns a lot of employers off.
~ Still have not applied for disability support as I am not getting the support I need for my close friends and brother.  I guess they hate the idea of me getting "free money" from the government.
~ More date rejects...just getting the first date is getting harder and doesn't do me any good for my own soul...learning new jokes does not seem to help...I guess being nice guy do not help at all.

Last couple of days has been very emotional for me.  With constant date rejects, job rejects, and losing the wallet has wreaked my confidence and made me more mad at the world in general.  Got into a couple of "road rage" over the weekend.  Just could not control my feelings/emotions.  

So frustrating that I cry myself every night...That is why I drink, smoke, Netflix and sleep...just to escape reality and into my fantasyland.

I am thinking of getting cut Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest...it does not do me any good to see other people having fun and getting married and whatnot.

More likely it will be my last post.  Just do not see the point of continuing this anymore as only one friend helps me.  Yep not even my brother help me.

WORDS OF WISDOM

They always say time change things, but you actually have to change them yourself. - Andy Warhol

Too often we underestimate the power of touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn the life around. - Leo Buscaglla

Do not ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Howard Thurman

Relax and Enjoy

Mediate and Feel

Chant and Sing

Breathe and Smile

Laugh and Play

Create and Envision

Let go, Forgive and Accept

Exercise and Move

Serve and Contribute

Listen and Learn

Consider and Reflect

Cultivate Oneself

Be Content

Lighten Up

Celebrate and Appreciate

Dream

Give Thanks

Evolve 

Love

Share, Give and Receive

Walk Softly

Live Gently

Expand, Radiate, and Dissolve

Surrender and Trust

Simplify.

PROCRASTINATION

You know what you want to do. 

You certainly know what you need to be doing.  

You know it must be done.

But you’re off somewhere else.

Because procrastination has once again swept into your mind and actions.

And so you escape.

Onto Facebook; Onto Netflix; Onto Chess.com; Onto books; Onto Fantasyland.

Avoiding by doing what you are suppose to do.

But what can you do about it ?  How to avoid feeling this way ?  

TELL ME ... 

HARD TO HAVE FUN

These days it is so hard to hang out with friends ...

Cannot find friends to do daring stuff like hang gliding, parachute jumping, scuba diving etc.

     Since I do not have a job, those daring stuff are kaput and probably for good.

     I am not like others who can do it on their own.

     Not too comfortable doing things alone and yet want to try those stuff.

Cannot find friends to understand what I am battling.

     Even now my brother does not seem to understand depression.

     Medication only controls what I am feeling - anger, sadness and despair.

     But does not eradicate it.

Cannot talk to brother for just talk it out.

     Brother somehow seems to switch the blame to me.

     For not having a backup plan when I quit my job.

     For being accuse of "deadbeat" when I want to apply for disability benefits.

     

Cannot find friends just to talk it out.

     Very few people knows about my depression.

     Refused to reveal to others for fear of stigma.

     If my brother cannot understand me, then what chance do others.

The oddest thing is I am more happy being alone hiding in my condo.

    Fear of rejection.

    Fear of not understanding conversation.

    Fear of being labelled "Deaf and Dumb"

Should I be afraid of my future ?

LIES THAT WE TELL OURSELVES

Most of us do not like liars. In fact, we often feel offended, even angry, when another person lies to us. But the truth is, everyone lie to ourselves every day. We always tell ourselves in negative sense and talk it out which limits our personal growth.  It also limit our ability to live a full and grounded life. We deserve to live life fully, to experience all of the joy and mystery that life has to offer. The first step towards this way of being is awareness. If we can become aware of the ways in which we are lying to ourselves, we can begin to filter our thoughts in a productive way. 

MY PAST WILL ALWAYS HAUNT ME.

It should be "Your past can haunt you if let it." But no, you are not doomed to spend the rest of your life desperately seeking love from anyone who will show it to you because of a parent who never did. The very thing you’re doing at this moment – self-reflection, questioning old thought patterns – is a great step in the direction of change. When you hold onto your history, you do so at the expense of your destiny.

IF ONLY I HAD (FILL IN BLANK), I WOULD BE HAPPY.

There are two ways of being rich in happiness: One is to have all you want, the other is to be satisfied with all you have.  Both ways are the same. The important thing is accepting and appreciate things now. You'll find more happiness. Happiness comes when you stop complaining about the troubles you have and start offering thanks for all the troubles you do not have. Just be grateful what you have.

I’M TOO OLD FOR THAT.

You are never too old to go after what you want. Nelson Mandela was 76 when he became president. Leonardo Da Vinci was 51 years old when he painted the Mona Lisa.  Everyone is on their own timeline. And you are never too old or too young to fulfill your calling.

THAT PERSON (FILL IN THE BLANK) HAS IT SO MUCH EASIER THAN ME.

So many people believe this especially for me as I am hearing impaired. But some people say it is simply not true. The truth is, you have no idea what other person’s life is about. Everyone is exploring and struggling in their own way. Nobody was handed a manual or an instruction guide for life – everyone is trying to figure it out just the same way you are. I once heard someone say if we all threw our problems into a pile in the middle of a room and were forced to choose one, we would scramble to retrieve our own.

I CAN DO IT TOMORROW.

This is probably the one of the most frequent lies we tell ourselves. But we all know it’s not true.  The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do. I am a victim of this, and always have put it off.  But one day you will wake up and there would not be any more time to work on the things you have always wanted to do. No one knows what the future holds and what good does it do to live in the "one of these days” mindset? The life you have is today and the time to live it is now. Besides, if we all waited until we were ready, we would never get anything done!

HAPPINESS IS THE FOUNDATION OF MY WELL-BEING.

We tell ourselves over and over again," I need to be happy."  We question ourselves.  Instead of telling ourselves we need to stay happy, we ought to be letting ourselves feel however we do at any given moment. This kind of permission to feel as we feel — not continuous happiness — is the foundation of your well-being.

VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN

Violence against women is NOT acceptable in any form.

Earlier today, I made a FB post about my crush calling me a buddy and am stuck in friendship zone (through BitStrip cartoon).  However, unnamed person made an inappropriate comment that she should be punished and raped for sticking me in the friend zone.

Thanks to my friends who alerted me of this disgusting comment.  I have promptly deleted the post to prevent it from escalating further.  But unfortunately I had to spend the rest of the days answering the texts and emails as to how I was associated with this person.  I am too very upset and angry at this situation.  I have un-friend this person and distance myself from him.

I sincerely apologize for this inappropriate comment as it does not at all reflect my views.

#EndViolenceAgainstWoman #YesAllWomen

*****  Was posted on FB @ 06.02.2014 @ 23:06 *****

SELF-CARE

Taking care of yourself was suppose to be the key to life success.  But sadly it took me years for me to realize it.

When I was young, just graduated from university...I vowed that I would throw myself at work to prove my value to the workforce and show everyone that I am capable of.  I used to work myself frantic because I felt I had to in order to prove that I was worthy of achieving things. Running in different directions, saying yes to everything, thinking that the more that I did, the more success I would have.  I didn’t. No success. I did spend about a few days and nights in the hospital which is not good.

I use to work over 10 or 12 hours at an office or glued to a screen a day, even on weekends, with the idea of a vacation sounding like a scary proposition because it is a chance to fall behind. Especially if you are disabled, I used to believe that I had to prove myself to the society. None of them have very much to show for their self-sacrifice, even if I was making a decent amount of money.

It occurred to me, while hysterically crying after working 10 hours straight about a year ago...If I am falling apart now, just to keep up with what I am doing, how am I ever going to be able to manage a life with more good things?! How am I going to to live my dreams if I am already melting where I am?

Because of that — I quit my job about 6 months ago!  I thought with my extensive experience, companies would jump to hire me.  Imagine to my shock and frustration at the society of how they do not value it.

Today, do I have the energy to fulfilled my dreams … or is my life already too much for me to manage?  As I get older, the less I feel motivated to do simple things, let alone my dreams. My travel dream to exotic places is pretty much kaput.  My relationship dream to have a wonderful companion share in my life is also pretty much kaput.  My career dream to have a successful job with co-workers respecting is also pretty much kaput. 

NINE STEPS TO SELF-CARE

1. Always trust your instincts and go with it. If it feels wrong, then do not do it.
2. Do not be a people-pleaser.  Just ignore them.
3. Never ever speak bad about yourself.  Just keep it to yourself.
4. Never ever speak bad about others also.  Just keep it to yourself.
5. Do not be afraid to say "NO".  If it hurts other people, you alone are more important.
6. Say exactly what you mean.  Avoid any confusion.

7. Stay away from the drama and negativity.  Cause it will drain your life energy.

8. Stop obsessing of what other people have.  Cause it will drain your wallet. 

9. Live The Life You Want.  Live The Life You Should Love.

This is the mantra I am going to follow going forward.  It is going to be all about myself and my own life.

   

21 STRIKES AND COUNTING

*SIGH*

Have been more aggressive in trying to get a date by asking girls out...but so far nothing.  21 girls asked and nothing.

Have not had a serious girlfriend since my university years...more than 20 years ago.  Just a few dates here and there but nothing serious.  Just face it, who would want to date a skinny guy who is hearing impaired and is well know just for being a nice guy ?

Just tired of being single and alone in my life.  Just tired of seeing Facebook posts where my friends get married and/or have kids.  There are times that I just want to crawl into a dark cave and just wither my life away.  It is so hard to be happy and positive about the future.

People asked me why I have do not travel anymore.  It is just that it is not fun when traveling alone when you cannot share something / laugh / revel joy.  The worst part is asking someone to take a picture of you and the surroundings.  It is so awkward and embarrassing at times that I just do not bother anymore.  It is why you rarely see photos of myself anywhere.

I have been on Internet seeking advice for dating, going online sites everywhere, going out to bars / libraries / book stores / art museums / volunteering etc...without any success at all.  

Just face it, I am doomed to be single and will not have kids.  Gonna re-focus my life and will only seek to worry about myself and seek pleasure for myself only.  If there is something I do not like, simply say "NO" and move on.

Peace out and here is to being single for eternity.