RESOLUTIONS UPDATE

Hoarding Update
~ Garbage is gone;
~ Kitchen and Bathroom is now 100% clean;
~ Next Step is the main living space which I hope to get it done by end of this week;
~ First week of February , I plan to hire an electrician to fix the kitchen issues and also hire a painter to color up the walls just for main living space and bathroom.
~ The hard part is maintaining it and not letting it slide back to the dark days.  I have been working hard to keep it that way.

Depression Update
~ I will be meeting my doctor tomorrow, and I plan to reduce the power of Mylan-Zopiclone (is used to treat insomnia) from 7.5 mg to 5 mg.  The goal is to reduce the dependence on the drugs to solve my health problems.  It depends on the Dr. Sadry's opinion.  We will see how it goes.   January 28 Update - Dr. Sadry actually reduce it to 3.5mg (or half of previous dose) as she agreed with me and felt that I am improving since my quitting the job. 

Relationship Connections
~ I have reconnected with some of the old friends of mine and it was good to hear from them again.  These are the people I used to trust in the past, but for the shame of myself, I failed to follow up / kept in touch.  It is something I vow this year not to do again.  We spend hours catching up and reconnecting.  It felt so good to have positive feelings with them.

Love and Job Hunting
~ Is at cross-roads in both areas ...
~ But I have signed up for several MeetUps groups and will be attending a couple this Saturday.  But I am being positive and not to let my expectations to be high.  Just to go out and have fun.
~ Learning HTML5 / CSS blog programming to make my blog website better.  So far it is a major improvement from old blogs.
~ Learning Financial Models in Excel programming;  I believe the more I know about this, the better I would be positioned for the future job prospects.

Finally like to say thanks to everyone who have been reading my blog in the past month.  425 views as of now is surprising a lot.  Thanks for your support ! 

BE THE CHANGE !

The other day, my brother send me this article which you can read it in full -

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

It is something I found myself reading several times and trying to apply it to myself.  I will definitely re-visit this article several times and for sure end of 2014.

It is one brilliant article – harsh and brutal honestly about life in general.   Here is the general synopsis;

#6. The World Only Cares About What It Can Get from You

If you want to know why society seems to shun you, or why you seem to get no respect, it's because society is full of people who need things. 

Either you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, or the world will reject you, no matter how kind, giving, and polite you are. You will be poor, you will be alone, you will be left out in the cold.

Does that seem mean, or crass, or materialistic? What about love and kindness -- don't those things matter? Of course. As long as they result in you doing things for people that they can't get elsewhere. For you see ...

#5. The Hippies Were Wrong

It's brutal, rude, and borderline sociopathic, and also it is an honest and accurate expression of what the world is going to expect from you. The difference is that, in the real world, people consider it so wrong to talk to you that way that they've decided it's better to simply let you keep failing.

You don't have to like it. I don't like it when it rains on my birthday. It rains anyway. Clouds form and precipitation happens. People have needs and thus assign value to the people who meet them. These are simple mechanisms of the universe and they do not respond to our wishes.

#4. What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People

"What, so you're saying that I can't get girls like that unless I have a nice job and make lots of money?"

No, your brain jumps to that conclusion so you have an excuse to write off everyone who rejects you by thinking that they're just being shallow and selfish. I'm asking what do you offer? Are you smart? Funny? Interesting? Talented? Ambitious? Creative? OK, now what do you do to demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don't say that you're a nice guy -- that's the bare minimum. Pretty girls have guys being nice to them 36 times a day. The patient is bleeding in the street. Do you know how to operate or not?

Does that break your heart? OK, so now what? Are you going to mope about it, or are you going to learn how to do surgery? It's up to you, but don't complain about how girls fall for jerks; they fall for those jerks because those jerks have other things they can offer. "But I'm a great listener!" Are you? Because you're willing to sit quietly in exchange for the chance to be in the proximity of a pretty girl (and spend every second imagining how soft her skin must be)? Well guess what, there's another guy in her life who also knows how to do that, and he can play the guitar. Saying that you're a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn't make you sick. You're like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is "The actors are clearly visible."

I think this is why you can be a "nice guy" and still feel terrible about yourself. Specifically ...

#3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don't Do Anything

It's always "How can I get a job?" and not "How can I become the type of person employers want?" It's "How can I get pretty girls to like me?" instead of "How can I become the type of person that pretty girls like?" 

"But why can't I find someone who just likes me for me?" you ask. The answer is because humans need things. The victim is bleeding, and all you can do is look down and complain that there aren't more gunshot wounds that just fix themselves?

#2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do

There's a common defense to everything I've said so far, and to every critical voice in your life. It's the thing your ego is saying to you in order to prevent you from having to do the hard work of improving: "I know I'm a good person on the inside." It may also be phrased as "I know who I am" or "I just have to be me."

Inside, you have great compassion for poor people. Great. Does that result in you doing anything about it? Do you hear about some terrible tragedy in your community and say, "Oh, those poor children. Let them know that they are in my thoughts"? Because fuck you if so -- find out what they need and help provide it. A hundred million people watched that Kony video, virtually all of whom kept those poor African children "in their thoughts." What did the collective power of those good thoughts provide? Jack fucking shit. Children die every day because millions of us tell ourselves that caring is just as good as doing. It's an internal mechanism controlled by the lazy part of your brain to keep you from actually doing work.

#1. Everything Inside You Will Fight Improvement

The human mind is a miracle, and you will never see it spring more beautifully into action than when it is fighting against evidence that it needs to change. Your psyche is equipped with layer after layer of defense mechanisms designed to shoot down anything that might keep things from staying exactly where they are -- ask any addict.

So even now, some of you reading this are feeling your brain bombard you with knee-jerk reasons to reject it. From experience, I can say that these seem to come in the form of ...

*Intentionally Interpreting Any Criticism as an Insult

*Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the Message

*Focusing on the Tone to Avoid Hearing the Content

*Revising Your Own History

*Pretending That Any Self-Improvement Would Somehow Be Selling Out Your True Self

And so on. Remember, misery is comfortable. It's why so many people prefer it. Happiness takes effort.  Also, courage. It's incredibly comforting to know that as long as you don't create anything in your life, then nobody can attack the thing you created.  It's so much easier to just sit back and criticize other people's creations.

Just remember, they're only expressing their own fear, since trashing other people's work is another excuse to do nothing. "Why should I create anything when the things other people create suck? I would totally have written a novel by now, but I'm going to wait for something good, I don't want to write the next Twilight!" As long as they never produce anything, their work will forever be perfect and beyond reproach. Or if they do produce something, they'll make sure they do it with detached irony. They'll make it intentionally bad to make it clear to everyone else that this isn't their real effort. Their real effort would have been amazing. Not like the shit you made.

Don't be that person. If you are that person, don't be that person any more. This is what's making people hate you. This is what's making you hate yourself.

So how about this: One Year. The end of 2014, that's our deadline. Or a year from whenever you read this. While other people are telling you "Let's make a New Year's resolution to lose 15 pounds this year!" I'm going to say let's pledge to do fucking anything -- add any skill, any improvement to your human tool set, and get good enough at it to impress people. Don't ask me what -- hell, pick something at random if you don't know. Take a class in karate, or ballroom dancing, or pottery. Learn to bake. Build a birdhouse. Learn massage. Learn a programming language. Film a porno. Adopt a superhero persona and fight crime.  But the key is, I don't want you to focus on something great that you're going to make happen to you ("I'm going to find a girlfriend, I'm going to make lots of money ...").

I want you to purely focus on giving yourself a skill that would make you ever so slightly more interesting and valuable to other people.

THE MORNING SUCCESS RITUAL

I read this article from Dumb Little Man.  I have tried in the past three days and was surprising effectively.  I noticed more energy in the morning.  Here is the abbreviated article with my actual actions noted under BE (short for BrokenEars).

1) Smile

Immediately upon waking, smile.  As simple as smiling is, it has a profound affect on our nervous system and how we feel.  By smiling first thing upon waking, you're implying to yourself that you're happy and grateful for this day.  It also sends signals to your brain to start feeling good!  

BE - I am reminded of an amazing scene from Jerry Maguire movie … “I clapped my hand and yell out that it’s gonna be a great day!.”  That is what I have done each day and I start to feel great in each of last three days.

2) Be Grateful

Smiling leads nicely into the second step, which is being grateful.  The quality of our life is the quality of the emotional states that we consistently live in.  By taking time each morning to think about what you're grateful for, you will put yourself in a positive state which will help you be more productive, energized and happy.  I encourage you to spend at least a minute thinking about what you're grateful for each morning. 

BE - Now this part is a little hard to be positive about.  Instead, I reflect what I have done yesterday positive.

3) Hydrate Yourself

Taking care of your body each morning and hydrating yourself is one of the most important things you can do for your health.  While you've been sleeping, you've become massively dehydrated and your body needs water to operate in full efficiency.  The problem is, most people wake up and immediately drink coffee or a caffeinated beverage, which actually dehydrates the body and only provides a temporary stimulation.  This will help your body naturally be more energized, thus increasing productivity.

BE - Believe it or not, I have all but forsaken coffee in the morning.  But have switched to a cup of green tea in the afternoon on occasionally.  I am finding myself drinking more and more water as I get through cleaning my place.

4) Get Moving

Moving your body and doing something physical each morning is a powerful way to change your state.  During sleep, we've been inactive for several hours and we need to physically get our bodies going again to "wake ourselves up".  I recommend spending a few quick minutes upon waking to get your body moving, such as going for a walk, stretching, or doing a quick exercise.  It doesn't matter what you do, but move around for a few minutes in the morning before you go back to sitting down again.  This will do wonders to help turn on your metabolism in the morning, as well as give you the much-needed energy for a productive day.

BE – By throwing myself into cleaning in the morning, it is surprising more effective and more productive.  The key was knowing what to do in the morning last night before I hit the sack.  And check it off upon completion.

If you got any better suggestions / ideas to hit the ground running in the morning, please feel free to leave a comment.

SPENDING VS. INVESTING

"A man who spends on you is not the same as a man who invest in you.  Know the Difference."

– Dr. Farrah Gray

Maybe I am not properly investing into the right person or don't get the feelings returned.  Is it cause I expect too much ?  Or is it my "Mr. Nice Guy" reacting to it ?  Some people say I am too damn nice that I cannot say "No" and let others take advantage of me.  Some say it's an amazing quality to have.  I feel I have been spending more than investing.

MY HEART DEFLATED

Where do I begin ?

Went to birthday party for my good friend,

Hoping her feelings for me are different,

Was too busy meeting other friends,

Sad to be alone and

      My heart deflated.

Tried to talk to other people,

Too noisy and crowded,

Too confusing with other conversations,

Left nodding my head and laughing with others,

Without understanding,

     Felt sadness for not connecting.

Tried to make conversations with other ladies,

Especially one-on-one, worked better,

Simulating conversations,

Enjoying that brief moment of clarity,

Before she moved on other guys,

     My heart deflated again.

Onto the Product Night Club,

Tried to dance with my birthday girl,

Not interested as she has an eye on someone else,

Left confused and,

     Sadness over this slight rejection..

Tried to get another friend to dance with me,

Claimed does not dance,

And yet did the real sultry dance with another guy later,

Honestly is all I asked for,

      My heart deflated again.

Tried to get some strangers to dance with me,

Feights no interest, claims to be with someone,

Danced all alone on the stage – highlight moment of night.

Hoping to catch some eye of the lady.

No one approached.

      My heart deflated again.

Drove my birthday girls and close buddies to hotel,

Happy that Birthday Girl is on Cloud Nine,

Presents guarded, Leftover Food guarded, Winter jackets and purses guarded,

My heart felt happy as the beautiful radiant smile appears as she thanks me again.

      My heart feels healed as her smile outshines the moon.

Home at 3:30 AM … wondering what I did wrong.

Cracked open Coors Lights and tried to think.

Either I am unattractive or they are uncomfortable with my disability or I am just plain boring person,

     Tired and Sad.

All I want is peace in my soul.

            To end my heartache, and frustration in inability,

All I want an amazing girl who can brighten my life and its outlook,

           This amazing birthday girl is one of kind who can bring me out of my dark shadows.

All I want is honorable job which can bring me calm and steady work,

            To properly gain honor and more important respect

All I want is a simple but amazing lady who can bring my out of my deep funk

            To bring calm and peace in my life.

Time to go to sleep and my dreams is the alternative lives for which we all want.

Alternatives lives is what I dream for.

Dream is what I seek for my life is perfect.

By some miracle get a chance to re-do my life to shape it for years to come.

Feeling sad...

Feeling my heart hangs heavy,

Feeling the after effects of alcohol,

Time to go to sleep.

For some slight hope, that tomorrow might be a better day.

TOUGH DAYS ...

"You are not useless. You are not hopeless. And no matter how scared you are, you will never be alone. And deep down, somewhere, in the part of you that decided the good days and your happiness and your health were all worth fighting for, you know that, too. Hold onto that knowledge. It will see you through the worst." 

-Ella Ceron

Those days are the worst, cause I feel hopeless and wonder if it is worth fighting for.  Then there are days when it just push you on to living and surviving for the next day.  This quote does re-affirm my feelings.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

My Plans for 2014 to Improve Your Own Life

• Combat Hoarding:  As some of you know by now that my place is like a scene from the TLC show "Hoarding: Buried Alive".  While the place is not horrible as you see in that show.  When I was bored especially nothing to watch on TV, I found myself strangely attracted to this show.  I was curious as to what are the solutions and the outcomes.  Believe it or not, this show was an eye-opener.  
• Health / Monetary Benefits :  I would be feel better and would be able to host some parties at home.  It's an important thing to do as socializing is an important part of your life.  Secondly, it would also help the way you're spending your money and be able to properly budget of your real needs.
• Action Taken : Since November I have been taking concrete steps to improving my place.  Good news is that all of the garbage are gone.  The next phase is to sort out the junk and get rid of the wants and keeping the needs.  The key is knowing what part is important.
•  
• Make Good Use of Collections:  While hoarding, I have come across with various interesting items and some weird collections I got in life.  Like - stamps collection (abandoned), old NHL collection (abandoned), postcards and souvenirs from my travels (and some from my good buddies) and others to name a few.  My first task is seriously decide as to what is the collection I really want to keep and sustain in the long term.
• Health / Monetary Benefits : It will really reduce your expenses and help you control your spending as it is obvious that I have way more stuff than I do really need.
• Action Taken : Recently, I have decided to only keep a few collections that is deal to my heart largely from my experience as a kid on what made me happy - Star Wars and NHL (mostly Wayne Gretzky).  To the lesser extend the numismatic collection.  As for the rest, I will simply sell them off on Amazon.ca and kiiji.ca.
• Life Betterment: For me, having a group of close friends that you can count on and stay in touch with them.  As for others, it's just simply some friends that you see now and then and most forget about them till you know about in Facebook.  My goal is recognize some of those friends and strengthen our relationships.  Some friendships are meant to be treasured and others not so much.  Some will leave and some will re-kindle our relationships.  I will be trying not to let the emotions to get the best of me.
• Job - Hunting:   As most of you know that I left my prior job where I have been there for nearly 18 years. It has come to a shock to great many friends who actually thought that I would be a "lifer" at this company.  I would too, but unfortunately the job stress, dealing with next to impossible boss, working long hours, no support from my immediate leader has lead to untenable situation which I could no longer tolerate.  I have been out of job since October 13 and yet after nearly 4 months, I do not yet feel ready to return to the "Rat Race".   As some of you do feel strongly about me not doing anything and take welfare / disability checks.  I am sorry for that, but it's something I need to do temporary.

Finally two most difficult subjects that I really want to tackle on this year;

• Depression:  As some of you know that I have been battling depression for over 5 years now with no sign of improvement.  Sure, the medications are helping me to control my emotions and allow me to sleep better at night.  But it is a constant battle in my effort to be happy and trying to be in love.  The brightest moment was the surprise b-day party at Red Hot Poker Tour as it was totally unexpected with the cake and candles.  Secondly, a lot of well-wishers on FB just re-affirms my feelings that there are people who still care about me.  Those were the high moments of 2013.
• Finding Love: Every New Year Eve's party, I have always dreamed of going to one of those swanky places and enjoy the countdown.  Then comes the ultimate kiss with the girl of your dreams.  But doesn't happen.  So I keep telling myself that next year will be better it has too.  But when you reach age of 40+ years old, you kind of wonder if you will ever find love or not ?

That's it for my first blog on the year.  

Happy New Year Everyone !